Spare by Prince Harry (Evening Edition book club)
Bleh. I never understood the American fascination with the British Royal Family, so I'm not really the intended audience for this book. One of my book clubs picked this one so that's why I read it. I hate to give a memoir one star because you feel like you're rating the person, but this book was just a chore to get through. Here are my takeaways from reading it:
1) The Royal Family is super dysfunctional. You can't give your "Granny" a hug when you feel like it? Maybe if Diana had not been killed and had divorced Charles the kids could have experienced a slightly more "normal" life. His home life was just way too proper and emotionally distant to be healthy.
2) Boarding school also seems very dysfunctional and it didn't help Harry at all to be shipped back off to school right after his mother's funeral.
3) The paparazzi really are the devil.
4) Fame is awful, especially if you're born into it. I did feel bad that even when he joined the military his Royal position made him (and his fellow soldiers) even more of a target.
I think because of his contentious relationship with the press -both them printing false stories and his mother's tragic death being chased by the paparazzi - made him want to tell his own story. I just felt like the whole tone of the book was odd. He had a lot of unresolved trauma, but he really sounded like a petulant child who wanted to tell you all the ways he was wronged. This book is his perspective, so based on that it seems understandable why he would want to leave the Royal family when he was being HOUNDED by the press and not feeling supported or defended by his family. He still seemed shocked when they cut him off financially though - you can't have it both ways, you either suck it up and do your "duty" or you don't get the monetary support and benefits. I hope he can make a life for his family outside of the Royal Family, but I could have done without reading this one.
1) The Royal Family is super dysfunctional. You can't give your "Granny" a hug when you feel like it? Maybe if Diana had not been killed and had divorced Charles the kids could have experienced a slightly more "normal" life. His home life was just way too proper and emotionally distant to be healthy.
2) Boarding school also seems very dysfunctional and it didn't help Harry at all to be shipped back off to school right after his mother's funeral.
3) The paparazzi really are the devil.
4) Fame is awful, especially if you're born into it. I did feel bad that even when he joined the military his Royal position made him (and his fellow soldiers) even more of a target.
I think because of his contentious relationship with the press -both them printing false stories and his mother's tragic death being chased by the paparazzi - made him want to tell his own story. I just felt like the whole tone of the book was odd. He had a lot of unresolved trauma, but he really sounded like a petulant child who wanted to tell you all the ways he was wronged. This book is his perspective, so based on that it seems understandable why he would want to leave the Royal family when he was being HOUNDED by the press and not feeling supported or defended by his family. He still seemed shocked when they cut him off financially though - you can't have it both ways, you either suck it up and do your "duty" or you don't get the monetary support and benefits. I hope he can make a life for his family outside of the Royal Family, but I could have done without reading this one.
Sociopath: a memoir by Patric Gagne
From a very young age Patric Gagne understood that she was different from other people. She made people uncomfortable and didn't feel the same kinds of emotions her peers did. From a very young age Patric also figured out that by observing others she could figure out how to act more "normal." When she was in college she took an Intro to Psychology course and the topic of sociopaths came up. She fit every descriptor of a sociopath - it was eye opening for her and she starting researching everything she could find about sociopathy. Eventually after starting therapy and finding it was extremely hard to find treatments for sociopathy, she decided to go back and get her PhD with a focus on sociopathy and creating treatment plans for sociopaths.
I found her memoir extremely interesting. You can immediately see how sociopaths become serial killers - they don't worry about consequences, they have no guilt or empathy, and doing extreme things is the only way they can feel things. I was amazed at how self-aware she was from a very young age and also how hard she worked to figure herself out and find better ways to feel things outside of illegal activity. I was also amazed that she fell in love and had children. She has such a unique story and I really enjoyed reading this memoir.
Some quotes I liked:
"But, unlike every other time I'd done something bad, my physical attack on Syd had resulted in something different, a sort of euphoria. I walked away from the scene blissfully at ease. For weeks I'd been engaging in all manner of subversive behavior to make the pressure disappear and none of it had worked. But now - with that one violent act - all traces of pressure were eradicated. Not just gone but replaced by a deep sense of peace. It was like I'd discovered a fast track to tranquility, one that was equal parts efficacy and madness. None of it made sense, but I didn't care. I wandered around in a stupor for a while. Then I went home and calmly told my mom what had happened." (p. 21-22)
"I didn't crave attention or acknowledgement. I merely wanted to achieve my objective, to live life on my terms. Lying was clearly the best way to do it. It was like having a superpower that I had only recently let myself use. Being dishonest didn't just make me invisible. It made me invincible...I found that I loved being alone with my secrets almost more than anything. I loved being alone, period. Being alone was the only time I could truly be myself - and truly be free." (p. 64)
"My emotional constitution, it seemed, was a lot like a cheap set of crayons. I had access to primary colors - joy and sadness. But more nuanced hues - complex feelings like romantic love and passion - had always been outside my reach. I knew such things existed, because I'd read about them in books and seen examples on TV, but I'd never been able to relate to them." (p. 70)
"My bad acts were, in fact, a type of self-preservation. They counteracted my apathy. My internal emotional world, like Harlowe's Captain Apathy sketch, was in black and white. Doing something I knew was morally unacceptable was a way to force a pop of color. I craved it." (p. 94)
"Going to college parties was like gaining access to an unlimited amount of fabric with which I could craft my disguise. I experimented with as many emotions as I could, then altered the most suitable ones to fit. Alone in my dorm, I practiced mannerisms I'd picked up from people I saw at parties. Once I had them perfected, I tested them on live subjects. The results were astonishing...I began to implement these practices in my daily life and was astounded by the immediate difference. For the first time, people seemed to warm to me - authentically. That there was nothing authentic about my interactions didn't matter...These changes, hardly noticeable to anyone else, were extremely powerful to me. They were like breadcrumbs, leading me down a path toward social inclusion. To be clear, it wasn't approval that I craved. It was integration." (p. 95)
I found her memoir extremely interesting. You can immediately see how sociopaths become serial killers - they don't worry about consequences, they have no guilt or empathy, and doing extreme things is the only way they can feel things. I was amazed at how self-aware she was from a very young age and also how hard she worked to figure herself out and find better ways to feel things outside of illegal activity. I was also amazed that she fell in love and had children. She has such a unique story and I really enjoyed reading this memoir.
Some quotes I liked:
"But, unlike every other time I'd done something bad, my physical attack on Syd had resulted in something different, a sort of euphoria. I walked away from the scene blissfully at ease. For weeks I'd been engaging in all manner of subversive behavior to make the pressure disappear and none of it had worked. But now - with that one violent act - all traces of pressure were eradicated. Not just gone but replaced by a deep sense of peace. It was like I'd discovered a fast track to tranquility, one that was equal parts efficacy and madness. None of it made sense, but I didn't care. I wandered around in a stupor for a while. Then I went home and calmly told my mom what had happened." (p. 21-22)
"I didn't crave attention or acknowledgement. I merely wanted to achieve my objective, to live life on my terms. Lying was clearly the best way to do it. It was like having a superpower that I had only recently let myself use. Being dishonest didn't just make me invisible. It made me invincible...I found that I loved being alone with my secrets almost more than anything. I loved being alone, period. Being alone was the only time I could truly be myself - and truly be free." (p. 64)
"My emotional constitution, it seemed, was a lot like a cheap set of crayons. I had access to primary colors - joy and sadness. But more nuanced hues - complex feelings like romantic love and passion - had always been outside my reach. I knew such things existed, because I'd read about them in books and seen examples on TV, but I'd never been able to relate to them." (p. 70)
"My bad acts were, in fact, a type of self-preservation. They counteracted my apathy. My internal emotional world, like Harlowe's Captain Apathy sketch, was in black and white. Doing something I knew was morally unacceptable was a way to force a pop of color. I craved it." (p. 94)
"Going to college parties was like gaining access to an unlimited amount of fabric with which I could craft my disguise. I experimented with as many emotions as I could, then altered the most suitable ones to fit. Alone in my dorm, I practiced mannerisms I'd picked up from people I saw at parties. Once I had them perfected, I tested them on live subjects. The results were astonishing...I began to implement these practices in my daily life and was astounded by the immediate difference. For the first time, people seemed to warm to me - authentically. That there was nothing authentic about my interactions didn't matter...These changes, hardly noticeable to anyone else, were extremely powerful to me. They were like breadcrumbs, leading me down a path toward social inclusion. To be clear, it wasn't approval that I craved. It was integration." (p. 95)
End of Story by A.J. Finn (Evening Edition)
Sebastian Trapp is a famous mystery writer who is nearing the end of his life. He asks a pen pal, Nicky Hunter, to come and help write a collection of his life stories. But Mr. Trapp is known for a real-life mystery in his own life. On New Years Eve 1999 his wife and young son disappear - neither is ever seen again, alive or dead. Nicky is a fan but also secretly hopes to be the one to crack the real-life Trapp family mystery. After Nicky's arrival strange things start happening - could it be Nicky? Is Cole really alive? The suspects are many - Sebastian Trapp, his daughter Madeline, his nephew Freddy, Freddy's new friend Jonathan, Sebastian's sister-in-law Simone. Those who make it to the End of Story will find out the truth.
Maybe I went into this one with too high of expectations. I was surprised by how much I liked Finn's debut, The Woman in the Window, so I was actually looking forward to this one. I did not like this one. It was SO SLOW and the characters were all SO WEIRD. Why would a famous mystery author ask a stranger to write his life story? And come and LIVE IN HIS HOUSE? I will say I did NOT see the two major twists coming. One I suspected but in a different way than how it actually played out in the storyline. Even with the twists revealed and looking back at the storyline in new light it was still just a WEIRD, slow book that was very light on mystery and very heavy in Lifetime-TV-drama at the end. I would have definitely put this one down less than 50 pages in if not for my book club. Definitely disappointed and would not recommend.
Maybe I went into this one with too high of expectations. I was surprised by how much I liked Finn's debut, The Woman in the Window, so I was actually looking forward to this one. I did not like this one. It was SO SLOW and the characters were all SO WEIRD. Why would a famous mystery author ask a stranger to write his life story? And come and LIVE IN HIS HOUSE? I will say I did NOT see the two major twists coming. One I suspected but in a different way than how it actually played out in the storyline. Even with the twists revealed and looking back at the storyline in new light it was still just a WEIRD, slow book that was very light on mystery and very heavy in Lifetime-TV-drama at the end. I would have definitely put this one down less than 50 pages in if not for my book club. Definitely disappointed and would not recommend.
Tidy Up Your Life by Tyler Moore
Tyler Moore and his wife Emily live in New York City in a two bedroom one bath apartment with three daughters. After their second child was born Tyler had a crisis - he had accepted a promotion at work but was miserable and adding the second child had made their routines at home much harder. He ended up taking a leave and started trying to make their apartment work better for their family. He started an Instagram account, Tidy Dad, to show his tips and tricks. That led to this book. I wasn't familiar with Tyler before (but am now following him on IG), I just like a good organizing book. I like that his three main steps are declutter, tidy, and clean and need to be done in that order to be effective. The first half of the book is "tidy up your mind" and focuses on why you hang on to things, your organizing methods and routines, etc. The second half is "tidy up your space" and give specific tips for each area of your house. Because he has three children in a small home, there is a LOT about kids and toys. But I do think his tips would work for any size space - it's just more crucial in a smaller space. Throughout the book tips and suggestions are highlighted in margins or half pages. I especially like the "decluttering calendar" he includes because it helps with seasonal things like taxes, Christmas, vacation, etc. I can see why Tyler is a great school teacher - he is very positive and upbeat. It wasn't amazing or life changing for me, but I liked it and it was a quick read.
Relinquished: the politics of adoption and the privilege of American motherhood by Gretchen Sisson
In the US adoption is seen as a win/win - a young woman who's not ready to parent can give her child to a more stable family and a family struggling with infertility can have a child to love. Adoption is also seen as a "middle ground" between abortion and parenting - something seemingly everyone can agree is a good thing. More recently open adoptions have become the norm after the backlash from the pre-Roe era when many women in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s were forced to give up children produced out of wedlock in closed adoptions. But in Relinquished Gretchen Sisson pulls back the curtain on adoption after spending 10 years interviewing birth mothers about their experience with giving up a child for adoption. What she reveals is eye-opening. I think most people who know someone involved in adoption either know adoptive parents or an adopted child. Birth mothers are still shamed and not really publicly discussed unless they are used as a symbol of the anti-abortion movement. There are MANY factors that contribute to a woman choosing abortion or adoption. But now that we're in a post-Roe US that changes things even more. Sisson is very thorough in the book covering the history of adoption in the US, the pre-Roe era, all the way to our current adoption climate. I think this is a hard book overall to read - especially for adoptive parents or birth parents. But I think anyone who pushes adoption as the best choice for everyone really needs to read this book. My main takeaway from this book is that probably 99% of birth mothers regret their decision and that is something that needs to be heard.
Some quotes I liked:
"...the same CDC report would suggest that there are at least forty-five prospective families waiting to adopt for every infant relinquished for domestic adoption." (p. 16)
"In April 2020, I was invited to attend a meeting hosted by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. This convening of adoption researchers, advocates, and lobbyists was intended to help develop ' strategies for overcoming barriers to private infant adoption.'...What was never asked: Why do we want to increase adoptions? If the decrease in adoptions reflects a lowering birth rate because people have more tools to prevent unintended pregnancies, why is that a problem? If fewer relinquishments means that more people feel equipped to parent in the way they would like to, why do we want the number of adoptions to go up? Who is being served here?" (p. 41-43)
"What is particularly sad about these stories is that, more often than not, little was done to support these mothers, even as they came into contact with social service workers, healthcare facilities, and adoption agencies. The only intervention offered to them was the opportunity to transfer their child to another family. They received little support accessing safe and affordable housing, medical treatment, or addiction services; they were almost never offered options like temporary guardianships, crisis nurseries, or other types of care that would allow them to retain their parental rights while navigating their own paths to safety and wellness." (p. 76)
"This idea of openness overlooks the ways that ongoing connection is valuable and protective for everyone involved, and often means that adoptive families have less of a commitment to making the open adoption work than the birth parents do. Often the burden falls on relinquishing mothers to initiate visits, stay in the adoptive family's good graces, and accommodate the adoptive parents' conception of an open adoption over their own desires - or risk having contact cease altogether." (p. 115)
"So much of adoption is adoptive parent centered, and if you think that adoption is a beautiful thing from that side, then you can't really accept how dark it is from the losing side." (p. 166)
"My colleagues [of the Turnaway Study] found that women who relinquish infants experienced the highest incident of regret and the most negative feelings about their pregnancies, compared to both women who received the abortions they wanted and women who chose to parent after being denied abortion care...many of the mothers I interviewed turned to adoption because they believed they would be less likely to regret that outcome than if they were to have an abortion." (p. 176-77)
Some quotes I liked:
"...the same CDC report would suggest that there are at least forty-five prospective families waiting to adopt for every infant relinquished for domestic adoption." (p. 16)
"In April 2020, I was invited to attend a meeting hosted by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. This convening of adoption researchers, advocates, and lobbyists was intended to help develop ' strategies for overcoming barriers to private infant adoption.'...What was never asked: Why do we want to increase adoptions? If the decrease in adoptions reflects a lowering birth rate because people have more tools to prevent unintended pregnancies, why is that a problem? If fewer relinquishments means that more people feel equipped to parent in the way they would like to, why do we want the number of adoptions to go up? Who is being served here?" (p. 41-43)
"What is particularly sad about these stories is that, more often than not, little was done to support these mothers, even as they came into contact with social service workers, healthcare facilities, and adoption agencies. The only intervention offered to them was the opportunity to transfer their child to another family. They received little support accessing safe and affordable housing, medical treatment, or addiction services; they were almost never offered options like temporary guardianships, crisis nurseries, or other types of care that would allow them to retain their parental rights while navigating their own paths to safety and wellness." (p. 76)
"This idea of openness overlooks the ways that ongoing connection is valuable and protective for everyone involved, and often means that adoptive families have less of a commitment to making the open adoption work than the birth parents do. Often the burden falls on relinquishing mothers to initiate visits, stay in the adoptive family's good graces, and accommodate the adoptive parents' conception of an open adoption over their own desires - or risk having contact cease altogether." (p. 115)
"So much of adoption is adoptive parent centered, and if you think that adoption is a beautiful thing from that side, then you can't really accept how dark it is from the losing side." (p. 166)
"My colleagues [of the Turnaway Study] found that women who relinquish infants experienced the highest incident of regret and the most negative feelings about their pregnancies, compared to both women who received the abortions they wanted and women who chose to parent after being denied abortion care...many of the mothers I interviewed turned to adoption because they believed they would be less likely to regret that outcome than if they were to have an abortion." (p. 176-77)
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